Boundaries!

Setting boundaries, claiming boundaries.............. Some feel great, others make me want to cry. Today was a big day in the world of boundaries. I set some, tried not forget some and cleared some up. Interesting to me how clear boundaries can be set and then in a blink of an eye, I shock myself with pushing it. "S" and I put up some very important ones today really for us and for the boys and yet there are so many grey areas and yet I feel safe.. There sure is no book for this, no set of rules, no guidelines and still I am pleased with how today went. There was no blame, no shame and no hurt today. Accepting things I CANNOT change is a big lesson for me and reminding myself constantly to focus on things that I can change and want to change and release and be at peace with the things I can't.
Today I also realized I am a bit of a glutton for punishment, like why would I ask questions to things I didn't really want to know the answer to and had to keep being reminded that the answers didn't matter and that I didn't want to know them anyways.
There is really no better teachers than the ones right in front of our faces: testing, pushing and showing us where are strengths and weaknesses are.

Healthy and Delish Macaroons!

Decided to post a recipe here amongst the chaos!

3/4 Cup Coconut Sugar

2 1/2 C Organic Shredded Un-sweetened coconut

2 Egg Whites

Some Vanilla extract 

1 Cup chocolate chips if wanted

Heat oven to 350, mix with hands in a big bowl (my boys loved this part) then let it sit for a few minutes and then form into however big cookies you want and then bake 10-15 min depending on oven, they will be medium brownish when done. Take out and let sit until they are firm enough to transfer!

Coconut sugar is a low-glycemic granulated sweetener, with an index of 35. Compare that to honey with a glycemic index of 75, cauliflower at 30, lentils at 35, and watermelon at 100.

 Coconut sugar comes from the sap of the coconut palm blossoms. It is dried and granulated making it perfect for cooking and baking. Use it to replace any other granulated sweetener in equal amounts. 

Layers of Forgiveness

I have been hearing a lot about forgiveness and how important it is in living a life of peace, and until last night I hadn't really got how it relates to me. As I was cuddling with Jacob last night after having another emotional day, I said to him " I will be a nicer mommy to you." And he replied " You are a nice mommy!" and in that moment I realized as a parent all I want from my kids is for them to know that I am doing the best that I can in each moment and want to be forgiven for times when I am anything less then my best. Knowing that this is true for my parents as well. We all have issues with our parents or other people that have been in our lives and not necessarily forgive and forget, forgive and let be. There are loads of layers of forgiveness in my life. Forgiveness for thinking that my parents abandon me on one level or another. Pealing these layers off offers up more chances for us to feel the love that surrounds us and ACTUALLY let it in. Also one more layer, the more I forgive my parents for what I think they "did" to me (which I will say is no abuse), the more I am present as a parent for my kids and I have come a long way and I have a long way to go to be fully at peace, the point though is I am on my way. That being said, I have ups and downs where some days it's 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, and others it's 4 steps back. It comes in waves and I have to remember when I can to recognize where I need to forgive and be at peace.

Going gets tough!

When the going gets tough! Doing well on the end of Day 4 single moming it and THEN............... Cough. Cough. Puke. Puke as we are all snuggled in bed. Well ON with the lights up with the tired kids and change sheets and all the other stuffs. While all this is going on I start to find myself feeling feelings that I haven't really I think allowed myself to feel. Feeling pissed off, abandoned, Angry, Sad and Raw! Grrrrr.... I hate that I had all these ideas and expectations of how things looked and how they were going to look, because today once again I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet! This was NOT supposed to happen! This is not part of my agreement or contract that I signed up for (or so I thought). Everything was supposed to be done together, as a team.
Supposed:assumed as true, regardless of fact; hypothetical. 

In that I am using that word a lot in this post I decided to look up the true meaning and I have to say it's true! I for sure assumed things as true regardless of facts. And you know what they say about assuming? It makes an ass out of you and me. 

I am tired of assuming things! When will I learn? Well I am learning! Be impeccable with your word and mean what you say and say what you mean!

High School Again?

So it's been a good 10+ years since I have been to high school, but am realizing as an adult that not a lot has changed. Women still call men names when they don't fit into categories that they understand and men still call us whatever when they don't understand what planet we are on or moon cycle. This is NO different then bullying in school when someone looks a certain way or behaves out of the norm or our comfort levels.  How this applies to my life these days? I want people to stop calling "S' names or try to put him in categories that they believe he "should" be in or not. For some reason in the past I think this might have helped women who had hard times with their husbands, to gang up, call them names, and justify it because of the certain males behavior, but not these days or atleast not for me. He is and ALWAYS will be my boys Daddy and an amazing one at that. YES, he does not fit into what roles I had put him in, or what I expected and that's also how it goes. I will never put blame or shame on what he is choosing. For every action that he does that involves me, I am 100% a co-creator in it and will not be a victim. Since he has chosen a different "route" shall we call it, I have been forced to look inside WAAAAY more and find more physical power and learn to call on help from guides and Angels and have had so much more energy by doing so.

Reality hits

Reality hits and then it's gone. Becoming a single mom was so far from my conscious mind. I wonder if I have the tools to give my kids all that they need and more. He left last night and so far he has been gone for longer than ever before. I just wish I felt more at peace. Today is a new day and one step at a time is all I can do at this point. Today has actually gone by fast, it's easy when I keep myself busy and dont have to stop and think about all that is happening in my life. The "D" word, separating, finances and how all that looks like. I just cant trust that everything is going to be fine and work out. I have done a lot of healing in the last 2 weeks with being away and out of the familiar, but being back and being in such a still and quiet environment is almost strange.